Russian Reality

The days leading up for July 21st are fully of curiosity for me.  I am praying and preparing in all the ways that I know how.  It is difficult for me to imagine how God is going to provide what I need financially in such a short period of time.  

Currently I have also been asked to hold off on applying for my travel Visa by Tim.  He wants to check my reference to make sure that I am someone the church wants on the trip :)  I have not heard from him in about a week.

During my personal devotion time I have been reading through the Bible using a reading plan from a book called The Divine Mentor.  Not many days ago I reading the story of Elisha, who was sent to live in the wilderness by a brook while a drought from God ravaged the land.  God sent birds to feed Elisha each day and he drank from the brook.  The verses say that when the brook dried up, God spoke to Elisha and sent him to a widow in a village to look after him.

I have clung to the picture created in these verses.  I have visualized Elisha sitting by a brook, watching it dry up little by little, holding onto faith that God would provide.  I watch the ground turn browner and drier and see Elisha wondering how much water will even be left by the time God redirects him.  I imagine the doubt and fear he could have encountered as he maybe took less to drink each day despite his thirst.  I do not know how God is going to provide...but I have every confidence that He is able and that my life is His.  If God does not provide, I will not be able to go.  When He does provide, He will be the reason alone that I go...in more ways than one.  

The number one question that I am asked by people I share my story with is "why Russia?"  I even had a friend recently tell me that "of all the places in the world that I could be called to serve God in, Russia is probably the last place on earth I would choose."  I love the question "why Russia" and hate it all at the same time.  I hate it because I don't have a well thought answer and, without intention, tend to answer by shrugging my shoulders.  I love it, though, because my lack of a reason reminds me of the TRUE reason for it all.  If God were not doing in me the things that He is- calling me, providing for me, filling me with new desires- Russia is an adventure I would pass by.  I like to laugh and say, "I wish I had a beautiful answer about how much I love the people of Russia and how it has been life long dream to serve God in foreign missions."  I'm just not that brave or wonderful.  I timidly gave an the answer to one friend, "because I love Jesus (?)", even asking it as a question more than giving it as an answer.   After I added, "and I believe He is asking me to," she smiled and said, "Good.  Because you can love Jesus right here."

As I have begun to think about and study the history and culture of Russia I became more and more intimidated.  Russia is a far cry from the Ugandan culture that Katie Davis describes in book (Kisses from Katie).  It is not known for friendliness or atmosphere of joy.  I was even told by one of my Nebraska roommates that "when you go to Russia, do NOT smile at people. I was FREAKED OUT when I first came to the United States and everyone was smiling.  We don't do that in Russia."  

Russia has a history of repression and oppression of the people executed through incredible manipulation and fear.  Atheism dominated as a forced state policy for decades.  Alcoholism defines life for many of the people and the orphaned and abandoned children of Russia are essentially unwanted.  Over a short period of time, this reality began to have an effect on my attitude and faith.  I came to the point of verbalizing, "if there ever were a truly hopeless place, Russia has got to be it."  I began to operate in a CLASSIC Shannon mindset, telling myself 'this trip can not be about results...because you probably won't see any.  You just need to be sure of calling and cling to God."  I have a solid history of guarding myself against disappointment by keeping low expectations and visualizing mediocre outcomes.  Its just about as delightful as it sounds but has been a somewhat successful coping strategy for many years- at least in terms of living a safeguarded life.

The desire to go to Russia has remained with me all the weeks following Nebraska up until this very moment.  I have been encouraged by many scriptures, books, and sermons. 

I did NOT want to go to Nebraska.  On my weekend?  Weekends were so precious!
When I met with Tim for coffee he asked if I would be coming to Nebraska.  I asked "what will be happening at the workshop?"
He answered, "It's going to be really good.  We are bringing in four speakers..."
(I gave him a look as if I were peering over the top of spectacles) "uh, yes- all of the speakers will speak in Russian."
I asked, "I am willing to come, but is it truly going to benefit me?"
"It will.  It will.  You'll meet the people you'll be traveling with and get to know the team members."

Tim's insistance on my going was wise.  After all, if I couldn't handle 3 days in Nebraska with a group of Russians, how would I handle 3 weeks in Russia itself?

Now, I had been reading the book Kisses From Katie (see my Inspirations page) which is the story of an American college freshman who moves to Uganda by herself to minister to the children.  As I read her story, which was annoyingly upbeat ;), I kept thinking to myself, "I'll bet this is TOTALLY something you would do."  Sure enough, Katie eventually describes herself as adventurous, ambitious, and spontaneous.  Let me get one thing clear about myself:
I AM NOT ADVENTUROUS, AMBITIOUS, OR SPONTANEOUS!!
I am a bit of a home body who prefers the company of tried and true friends and family and who also struggles with a little bit of social anxiety and depression. 

Certainly, I have grown in Christ and the above description matches me less and less each year.  But, in general, an 8 hour bus trip and weekend with strangers who prefer not to speak my language would completely itimidate and exhaust me.  I was not looking forward to the weekend.

But an incredible thing happened once I determined in my heart to go.  As I drove to Shakopee on Friday night to load the 'Russian Bus' I prayed and told God, "well, I'm going.  I won't turn back.  You lead me."  As soon as I handed my suitcase to the driver and he stowed it away in the back a peace and calm and even excitement rose up within me.  These senses stayed with me the entire weekend and I can say that I truly enjoyed myself!  It was good to get to know some of the college students who were on the trip (once we got over the laguage difficulty) and get some experience with Russian culture.  I even got to practice some of my own Russian language skills while being immersed in it at the same time.  Mainly I got to practice the phrase, "I don't understand Russian" but several people complimented me on my pronunciation :)

I have just completed my 4th year of teaching and have spent every summer working between 30 and 40 hours/week.  Each year after school gets out I return to Little Beginnings Learning Center/Daycare and design and run the school-age program.  I began working at LBLC when I was in college and it has been a wonderful place to develop my teaching skills.  Last summer, however, I determined was going to be my last year as the school age teacher.  I knew that if I did not make a proactive decision to challenge myself by finding something new I would continue to return again and again.  It was time to move on and so I resigned.
That meant that around Spring time this year I had some work to do in finding a new place for summer employment.  After filling out several applications and making visits to local businesses and organizations I found myself without a single lead for employment.  At one of my small group meetings I asked the 7 ladies I meet with to pray that God would provide a job for me.  As we went into prayer that night a friend named Kelly prayed,
"Lord, help Shannon to find a job if that is what You want her to do this summer..."

My immediate thought was, 'What?  What do you mean?  What else would I do this summer?  What would God want me to do besides work?'  It sounds funny to me but I truly had not even considered that maybe there was another assignment for me.  After all, the bills don't pay themselves!  However, when Kelly prayed these words, the same sort of stirring arose in me that had occured when I had first heard the country 'Russia' spoken from the pulpit.  I began to wonder to myself if I still had Tim's contact information and if this summer might be the right time.

Within the week I found the scrawled information with Tim's name and phone number.  As I dialed the number my heart began thumping.  As the ring tones sounded in my ear my brain was shouting, "What are doing?  What are you going to say?  How are you going to explain who you are and why you are calling?"  Before my thoughts could catch up with my body Tim answered in his cell phone with a rough greeting, "This is Tim..."  I hung up the phone!  Like a school girl calling a boy, I hung up the phone!  Then I laughed out loud at myself and said, "Shannon, are you gonna' do this or are you gonna' do this?"  
Redial.

My words were not eloquent and I fumbled through describing to Tim my purpose for calling.  Nevertheless, he confirmed that the church would be traveling to Russia this Summer and that, once again, I was welcome to apply.  I made plans to attend the Shakopee church on the upcoming Sunday and meet for coffee with Tim afterwards.  "And also," he said, "if you are going to go to Russia I would really like for you to come to our workshop in Nebraska in a few weeks.  See if you can get off work."

Whoa. 
  

      
 

Mom and I were working through some difficulties when she became sick.  Among other things,  I was angry that she had not provided affirmations I needed and she was often certain that I wished I had had someone else for a mother.  The process of death sped up our reconciliation in an obvious way.  But the not so obvious way we found healing was in this:
When mom passed and I was able to envision her with Christ the Healer, who makes us whole, I was able to see the ungraciousness of my attitude towards her and ask for forgiveness for the bitterness I had held.  I was also able to forgive her and recieve the purity of the love she had for me as my mom, it being made perfect in Jesus, and the crooked ways of it made straight.

Longing to embrace her and realize our newness together in Christ I grieved deeply.  Sometimes I still cry like a very young girl who wants her momma.  But in my loss (and in God's healing) I have come to better understand the unique relationship between mother's and daughters and the privilege it is serve Jesus by holding the children in the world who are motherless.

My prayers for the children in Russia are not that I will be able in some way to fulfill their need for a mother, but that as I provide for physical and emotional needs they will find themselves created and loved by God and able to know Him- because knowing Him is how I am made whole.     

The same Winter that I first contacted Tim was also my first year of classroom teaching and I was experiencing a professional crisis, feeling SURE within myself that I had made the wrong decision in becoming a teacher. It was also a time of trial for my family as we learned some new things and struggled to communicate what we needed from one another.  This was also the Winter that my mom's breast cancer reemerged in her liver.
I began to see a counselor at that time and explored the possibility that depression may be affecting the way I was interpreting life.  My counselor helped me to take thoughtful steps each week rather than make uncalculated decisions and encouraged me to begin preparing ASAP if I was going to pursue a missions trip to Russia.  I began listening to Russian language instruction and practicing over and over again basic Russian phrases.  Surprisingly, learning the language came relatively easy to me.

Mom's diagnosis came in January 2008  and she passed away May 2nd. Her illness and death awakened me from the trans-like survival mode I had been operating in and allowed me to better process all the crises happening around me.  When mom passed, It became obviously clear that Russia would have to wait.  My grief needed time to simmer and flavor up into healing and health. 

I can not overstate the power of God and nearness of Him during those days and how that season has prepared me for the call overseas.        

I shared my experience about "hearing Russia" with just a few people.  It was difficult to describe what I had experienced so, for the most part, I kept the information to myself.
However, a good friend of mine (who both dreams and prays BIG) was on the lookout for opportunities.  She was working at the Minneapolis Airport at the time and came back from work one Winter day to report that she had met someone who knew someone who was connected with a Slavic church in Shakopee.  "The members of the church are native Russians and they return to the country about every 6 months to serve in the orphanages." 
My dream-big friend had collected two contact names and phone numbers of men who were connected to the Shakopee church. 
As fearful as I was of pursing a mission trip with complete strangers to such a far-away place, I was confident that what was stirring inside of me was something of substance.  
I made the phone call, contacting "Tim" and tried to explain who I was and why I was calling...so weird!  Tim talked openly with me (in his Russian accent) about the trips, highlighting that "we've only had one 'real American' travel with us and the most difficult challenge you will face is the language...our people speak primarily to one another in Russian."  He described a trip that was coming up during the summer months and told me I would be welcome to apply.  I thanked Tim and ended the call...the fear had not subsided.  

In the beginning there is always a word.  For me, the word was "Russia". 
 
Three years ago I was attending service at Hope Community Church in Cottage Grove the same way I had nearly every Sunday since the age of 4.  A guest speaker was visiting from the mission field, a semi-regular event at Hope.  I do not remember if it was a man or a woman.  I do not remember which country they were serving in.  All that I remember is that they spoke the word "Russia" and I heard. 

It is difficult to describe what and how I heard.  There was no accompanying vision, no specific instruction, no sesne of direction.  I simply heard the word "Russia" and my heart was stirred up.  

Feeling both confused and amused I offered up a quick prayer of willingness to the Lord and filed away the word in my heart and mind for safe keeping...for another time.